The majority of married couples have an inner anxiety over who is going to have the last word and who is going to make the decisions. Many tensions arise when a couple fights over who is going to be the one in command, who is going to decide the future of the children, and who is going to say what must be done or not done.
The answer to this inner question is that a united couple should not have such a question. The “commander” is neither the man nor the woman, but the most essential need. Instead of fighting for command, a couple must try to find what is most essential for the whole family, to find the highest good for the family as a whole. This “most essential” can be found by the husband, the wife, or by both. It should not make any difference who finds it.
When a person marries in good conscience, that person decides in his or her heart not to continue to cherish the ego but to leave it behind. There is a joy greater than that of being “the commander” —that is the joy of co-working.
Instead of exercising superiority over each other, a couple must exercise cooperation and understanding in relation to what is most essential. But this is impossible if the ego still rules and works for superiority, for individual interests, or for separative intentions.
This brings up another question. What should be done if one person is able to see the most essential need, but the other person is completely opposed to it?
First of all, one could comment that the couple did not use the best discrimination in choosing each other, but the answer to the question will be that the wiser one should try to prolong the time before any decisions are made. During that time he or she should use every skill to convince the other party by using intelligent reasoning and logic and by trying to make that spouse have a wider outlook. Sometimes this approach works, if it is done intelligently and with loving understanding. If it does not work, the couple must find an experienced, impartial counselor who can discuss the matter with them.
There are issues that arise in a marriage that are not very important. Both marriage partners must see to it that such minor issues never become the cause for hurt feelings or actual cleavages. Let either spouse give up quickly or sacrifice to keep the family united. For really important decisions, however, let them strive for agreement. Significant decisions are not made by one spouse or the other, but by both of them together.
Every decision has two sides, the subjective side and the practical side. Generally, the man is better at deciding the practical side and the woman at deciding the subjective side. For example, a joint decision is made to build a house. It is then usually better if the man leaves the preparation of the blueprint and the interior decoration to the woman. He can add his wishes to these things, but she handles them. The woman then leaves the problems of actually building the house to the man.
Man can use the Intuition of woman as a guiding light, as foresight and insight. Woman can use man’s experience, logic, and reasoning as her foundation. Without a practical foundation, intuition cannot work; and without intuition, the practical foundation cannot be built upon.
Cooperation is a misunderstood word. In cooperation, people do not do identical work to build one object; rather, each person has a different job to do in building one object.
If necessary, a couple can play certain games to satisfy their dying egos, to give each other a chance to play “commander.” For example, when the family goes on vacation, they can take turns being the boss during that period of time.
The success of “commanding” is based on the ability to be considerate. To be considerate means not to give any order until all sides of the problem or issue have been carefully checked and all expectations of the family members are felt. This develops in the “commander” the sense of responsibility.
When the sense of responsibility develops in a person, he becomes a better co-worker.
When the vacation is over, if the commander was the husband, the wife and children should sit with him and express their appreciation and gratitude for his leadership. Then, after the man has accepted their appreciation and gratitude, he should ask the following question of them: “If you were the commander during our vacation, what would you have done that I did not do, and why?” Such a discussion not only brings in new ideas but also teaches the whole family how to be better commanders, which is good training for work in the world.
Remember, in an ideal family there is no superiority or inferiority but only cooperation. A married couple must always think that the interest of the whole family is more important than their personal interests.
People ask me who is the head of the family, and my answer is that a couple who really loves each other and respects each other does not have any trouble in finding the one who will be the head of the family. And if there is no love, understanding, and respect, no matter who the head is, there will be no head because they will not listen to each other.
In the past because of his education, experience, and physical superiority, man was considered the head of the family. This can still be true if the man is more educated and has deeper understanding, more experience, and more leadership qualities than his wife. In this case, she will not object to seeing her husband as the head of the family because he is qualified and because she deeply loves him, respects him, and trusts his judgment.
If a loving family has a simple husband and a very educated and experienced wife, the husband naturally will allow her to be the head of the family because he loves her, trusts her, adores her, and to follow her lead will be a joy for him and more productive for the whole family.
To be the head of the family means to be under great responsibility, to do the best to maintain the integrity of the family, and to meet the needs of the family. It also means to be the servant of the family.
In more advanced couples who really love and trust each other, the question of who is the head of the family never occurs. Each of them can lead the family alternately, according to the need and knowledge about the need. The husband or wife will not argue if one of them knows how to handle a situation better than the other.
The most important thing is to annihilate the urge to be superior. In true love, understanding, and trust there is no superiority. The couple feels as one, and in that foundation there is no competition to be the head or tail.
Spiritual energies usually descend into the family through the head center of the man and the heart center of the woman to create a current of mind and heart. In certain conditions or needs the heart must rule, whereas in others the mind must rule. But this does not make any difference to a couple who feels one with each other.
If a man becomes the head of a family without spiritual, moral, and physical qualifications and he boasts of being the head, he will soon find out that he is only an empty hat.
Any effort to exercise superiority in a marriage or family ends with great failure. All superiority vanishes in the presence of love; then understanding and cooperation can be achieved.
In true marriage, a couple is obedient to the vision of unity, to the goal of sacrifice, and to the demands of cooperation — not to the demands of the personality of one or the other.
To obey means to let your ego go and obey the one who has no ego, who is deciding in the light of the highest good of all. To obey means to unite the heart and the head. It means to have simultaneous fusion with the other at that one’s invitation.
To obey does not mean to be inferior. On the contrary, it means to play a key role. On certain occasions, obedience can help save not only your own life but also the lives of others.
Sex, Family, and the Woman in Society
by Torkom Saraydarian
1 comment:
I picked up one of Torkom Saraydarian's books back when I was in college....and have read him ever since. This was enjoyable and eye-opening. Thank you.
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